SOLF
by Michicko
Summary: SOLF stands for Stalking Obsessive Legolas Fangilrs. You do the math. Or the reading...
1. Chapter 1

SOLF  
Stalking Obsessive Legolas Fangirls (and guy)

A/N Hello my fine feathered friends! We're Adrienne and Diana! If you've never met us before, we'll just give a brief introduction. Four years ago, we wrote a story called SOLF that we quickly forgot about after writing. Recently, we re-read it and discovered that, lo and behold! it had no plot. We then decided to re-write it, but this time, with a plot included. I hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, in a magical place called Target, the S.O.L.F. members were having a very important meeting. In case you didn't know, "SOLF" stands for Stalking Obsessive Legolas Fangirls (and guy). It was a newly reformed group because the author didn't feel like including some of the previous characters in this new story.

Adrienne and Diana were actually the only members who actually liked Legolas and knew who he was. The other members were drafted (and threatened) into the group because Diana and Adrienne needed friends. NEEDED.

Anyways, the meeting was going as planned, sort of. Everyone had shown up on time with smiling faces. Not. Alyssa was already distracted by the glittery things on the shelf. Michelle was in a heated political discussion with Matt, and Hayley was in a heated discussion with herself, scaring the bejeezus out of Madeleine and Emily.

"You fool!" Hayley screamed. "Jack Sparrow wanted to go to Tortuga, NOT BARBADOS!!"

"You INFIDEL!!" Halee screamed (her alternate personality) "You are so wrong!"

Madeleine was crying. Emily was praying. The wrath of Hayley/Halee was very strong.

They continued arguing till Adrienne called for order. "ORDER!! I demand order in my court!!"

"This isn't a court…" Diana said sheepishly, "It's a Target…."

"SHUT YO FACE."

At this, everyone was silent. Alyssa began whimper, because that's what she does best.

"Now, we are on a mission. We haven't had a meeting in four months because YOU guys kept cancelling on us, and now we are desperately behind on our minutes and activities. We haven't done a single activity in TWO YEARS." Diana opened the activity book and a moth flew out. Hayley/Halee ate it.

"At the last meeting where everyone was present," Adrienne continued, "A meteor crash landed into Diana's living room and you guys all freaked and left on me. I mean, seriously. You guys are such babies. Just one little meteor and y'all had to run away screaming. Like, what the eff."

Michelle looked confused, "But it burned down Diana's house."

Adrienne was annoyed. "She got a new one. Get over it."

"Anyways," Diana said in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Since you guys had nothing to do today, you have been chosen to help me pick out my brother's birthday present." Murmurs of excitement filled aisle 2, where they were standing. They were obviously in desperate need of something to do.

"What do you want to get him?" asked Matt Dibbs. Everyone was silent as Diana lowered her head in shame. She muttered something that no one could hear.

"Say what?" Matt Dibbs said. Diana spoke up a little, but still, no one could hear what she was saying.

"What did you say?" Matt Dibbs asked again.

"BOXERS, OKAY?!" Diana screamed. Alyssa whimpered. Again. Matt Dibbs, Michelle, and Hayley/Halee burst out in obnoxious laughter, and Madeleine and Emily looked confused. Emily, who has the purest soul known to mankind, asked quietly, "Why boxers?"

"My mother suggested it." Diana said quietly.

"Well let's get started!" Matt Dibbs rubbed his hands together while smiling in a way that deeply concerned Diana. They strolled up and down the aisles until they came to aisle 9, which was the unda-wears aisle. Alyssa screamed with delight. "Rainbows!!" She ran to the pair of rainbow boxers and picked them up lovingly. She looked at them again with pure adoration. Gasping, she said, "G-g-glittery rainbows." With that, she passed out.

"Ooooo, looook, organic." Michelle said with a smile. Diana cringed once she saw they were tweed and had Barack Obama on the crotch. _What a shame_, she thought.

They continued perusing around the aisle until Madeleine saw something she couldn't resist. "OH. EM. GEE. HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL." She squealed as Emily cheered. Without thinking what she was doing, Madeleine ripped open the package and began to pull the boxers out….

Meanwhile, in Middle Earth….

"Oh FUCK. Seriously. Where the HELL are we??" Aragorn screamed.

"I knew we took a wrong turn somewhere after Rivendell," Pippen said.

"Well, obviously," Gandalf said angrily. "Fool of a fucktard."

"I thought it was fool of a Took!" Pippin said with a tear in his eye.

"Not anymore."

"Ok, guys." Legolas said, insinuating that everyone get back to concentrating on the directions. "Focus…On me."

Sam rolled his eyes, "I hate my life…."

"Well, it seems no one can read a map," Boromir said. "Where's Frodo? He has the Tom-Tom Bombadil GPS."

Boromir looked around for a second until he saw a shadowy figure behind a tree. He approached it cautiously until he realized it was Frodo, cutting his wrists. Again. Because this is what he does best. While singing the famous Dashboard song, Vindicated. "I AM SELFISH, I AM WROOOOOOONNG." Frodo sang operatically.

"Frodo, shut up. Give me the Tom-Tom."

"EVERYBODY ALWAYS WANTS SOMETHING FROM MEEE!" Frodo wailed, "'Frodo, keep it secret, keep it safe!' 'Frodo, don't put on the ring!' Even Arwen bosses me around! 'Frodo, don't give in!' 'Frodo, give me back my dress!' What if I WANT to give in?! What about MY feelings!?"

"Give me the damn Tom-Tom!" Boromir demanded.

"' Frodo, give me the damn Tom-Tom!' It NEVER EEEENNDS!!"

Boromir slapped him and walked away. "Alrighty, sooo, how do you work this thing?"

Gimli, annoyed with everyone's stupidity, stormed over to Boromir and grabbed it, "Here, I'll do it, you moron." However, after he grabbed it, he tripped over Legolas's straightener and fell, the weight of his body crushing the Tom-Tom.

"Oh my God. Seriously. Seriously guys, FUCK ME. NO REALLY. FUCK. ME. SERIOUSLY," Aragorn said, leaving the rest of the fellowship to wonder what he meant.

Legolas, feeling guilty about leaving his straightener out, leaned over to pick it up, "Sorry, my bad."

Strangely, as he bent over, the tops of his boxers began to magically come out of his tight pants and give him a wedgie. "Oooowww, guys stooooop," he whined.

"Duuuude…"Merry said as he smoked the last of his Longbottom Leaf, "That sooo isn't us…" His eyes were red, and he totally reeked.

"If it isn't any of you, then who-" Suddenly, he felt a strange tugging on his boxers and he found himself in a time vortex portal thing-a-majig, and the rest was history…

BACK TO TARGET…

"Gosh, these boxers are hard to get out," Madeleine tugged harder on the boxers. "Wait a minute…there's something squishy in here."

All of a sudden, the boxers (or should I say elven undawears) broke free of the packaging and lo and behold, there was an elf in the undawears. Once Diana realized who it was, she screamed. Adrienne started hyperventilating as Michelle and Matt looked confused because they had no idea who he was since they had not seen The Lord of the Rings.

"What is this place? What happened?!" Legolas said as he struggled to get up. Once seeing his environment and the people around him, he became afraid. Very afraid. Diana started running towards him, and he held on to his hair straightener defensively. "Don't make me hit you!!" He screamed.

"IIII DOOON'T CAAARRRE!" Diana screamed, running towards him and grabbing on to his leg.

Alyssa, who had just regained consciousness, looked quizzically at the strange elf man who had appeared out of nowhere. "Well…I guess I missed something."

A/N How did Legolas there?? What will happen to rest of the fellowship?? WHY ARE ADRIENNE AND DIANA SO AWESOME?? Find out in chapter two!! PS PLEASE READ AND REVIEW BECAUSE WE HAVE NO LIFE AND WE NEED FRIENDS


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you to all of our readers and reviewers!! You guys ROCK!! (like us.) SO keep it up and we will keep it up...dating...HA. Get it? College will probably keep us busy, so we might not update for a while, but we will try. Maybe. If we don't die from school work first.

OKAY. Let's boogie.

Chapter 2

"Oh my god. I don't know who you guys are and this is really freaking me out, and I don't know what to do. Oh my God!! Aragorn! Boromir! Where are you guys!? Please help me!! I'm surrounded by freaks and weirdos and I need help. OH MY GOD GET OFF MY LEG OR I WILL EAT YOUR FACE. YOU GUYS JUST BACK OFF AND DON'T EVEN FREAKING TOUCH ME OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR LIGHTS OUT!! Is this punishment for that night in Rivendell because I thought that he was a girl and he wanted to cuddle...I JUST GOT MY SIGNALS MESSED UP, I'M ONLY AN ELF, DAMMIT!! Oh, Valar, what in the name of -- HEY, WHAT THE FROG, YOU'RE DROOLING ON ME YUUUCK. NO!! GET YOUR MAN-DROOL OFF OF MEEE. NOOOOO, I AM NO LONGER PURE!! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!! Okay...focusing on my breathing exercises...in..out..in..out..THIS ISN'T WORKING. I DEMAND to know where the hell and I am and WHO you are! Second thought, never mind that, JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE! And where the closest outlet 'cause I NEED to straighten this frizz!! This atmosphere is doing NOTHING for my look!! I am going to need SERIOUS therapy and facials after this!! Oh crap. I think I just wet myself. Oh man. This is doing nothing for my manhood. Oh wait, never mind, it's just sweat because I AM SO STRESSED RIGHT NOW. WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?!" Legolas then passed out.

"Well..." Alyssa said, "I guess we should find an outlet..."

Back to Middle Earth...

"Um..wait...what?" Merry asked after the fellowship watched Legolas disappear into thin air. They thought it was a little weird when he bought the High School Musical boxers. When he actually wore the boxers, they grew a little concerned. And then they began pulling themselves out of Legolas's tight pants, which obviously wasn't very normal, and then, he disappeared. That's when they knew something was definitely wrong.

"Something is definitely wrong," mused Gandalf. They stood there in silence until he shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well. Let's keep going."

Back to Target...

As Legolas laid there unconscious in the middle of aisle nine, all the SOLF members stared in wonder.

"Is he dead?" Emily whispered. Apparently, she didn't whisper quietly enough as Diana gave her a death glare for even suggesting such a terrible thing.

"What're we going to do with him?" Madeleine asked.

"I'll take care of him!" Diana volunteered with a wicked smile on her face.

"Hey folks! Do you need any help in here?" A greasy, fat, ugly, unwashed, drunk Target employee suddenly walked in the aisle. He was smiling, eager to help the customers with finding merchandise until he found that they had a bigger problem than shopping.

"Ugh..." Legolas had regained consciousness, only to see the most revolting, disgusting, smelly man he had ever seen in his immortal life. Seriously, this guy was GROSS.

"Well, howdy!" The employee said, trying to be charming. But no one was charmed. Legolas took one look at the man and punched him in the face. Everyone cheered. The employee passed out.

Then Legolas remembered that he wasn't in Middle Earth anymore. He shot a look at the teenage girls standing around him and asked fearfully, "Who are you?"

Hayley/Haylee answered for him. "We're the Jack Sparrow fan club." She smiled.

Matt Dibbs looked confused. "No, we're not. We're SOLF. Stalking Obsessive Legolas Fangirls (and guy)."

"What?" said the elf.

"It's a fan club in honor of you," Adrienne explained, "It all started about four years ago..."

"I don't care when it started!" Legolas snapped, "The only thing I care about right now is getting OUT OF HERE. And finding an outlet."

"Um, we don't even know how you got here," MIchelle said, "Don't you think that's a little more important than an outlet?"

"No." Legolas was totally serious. "How did I get here anyway?"

"Well," Hayley/Halee explained, "We were looking for a pair of boxers for Diana's brother when Madeleine found a pair of High School Musical boxers, so she ripped them open and pulled them out...along with you."

"It's a miracle." Diana said dreamily. Legolas scooted away from her. "A dream come true..."

"Hey!" Adrienne had an idea, "If Legolas got here because we pulled him out of the boxers package, maybe we can send him back that way!"

"WAIT A MINUTE." Hayley/Halee interrupted, "SOLF? Stalking Obsessive LEGOLAS Fangirls? What happened to the Jack Sparrow Fan Club?!" Everyone ignored her.

"Wait...we're sending him back?" Diana asked sadly as she clung to his arm.

"YES. You are." Legolas yanked his arm free.

"You LIED to me?! Diana, Adrienne, how could you do this to me?!" Hayley/Haylee demanded.

"Well, I guess we can try stuffing you back into the packaging... It might be a little tricky though." Emily said.

"I can do that!" Matt Dibbs said excitedly. He then grabbed the top of Legolas's boxers with a devilish smile on his face. This caused an atomic wedgie.

"OW." Despite Legolas' protests, Matt Dibbs tried to stuff him into the packaging. However, the packaging was small and obviously, Legolas would not fit. "STOP! STOP! This isn't working!"

"Oh well..." Matt Dibbs sighed, "It was fun while it lasted."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" Hayley/Halee screamed. She was still being ignored.

"Maybe we could try another package to stuff him in...haha, package...get it? It's a pun..." Michelle giggled to herself. The rest of the crew, ignoring her terrible joke, seemed to think this was a good idea, so the went about picking out different pairs of boxers. After many failed attempts of shoving Legolas into many different packages, he became extremely frustrated.

"STOP! GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME." Legolas kicked the boxers in despair, "This isn't working! I'll never get home!" (Diana squealed with delight) "I'll be doomed to live in this world of crazy people with frizzy hair FOREVER!!" Legolas sunk to the ground and began to cry. Diana, however, did a victory dance.

"Hey!" Alyssa called from another aisle, "I found an outlet!"

"SWEET BABY JESUS," Legolas sprang up from the ground instantly and sprinted to the next aisle, "IT'S A MIRACLE!!"

Back to Middle Earth...Again...

"We are so SCREWED." Aragorn shouted, "First, the Tom Tom Bombadil beaks, then we lose Legolas, the closest thing we have to a girl on this damn quest! WHY DID I EVEN JOIN THIS FELLOWSHIP ANYWAY?!"

"To help save Middle Earth?" Sam suggested, "To bring honor to yourself?"

"NO." Aragorn replied angrily, "I don't give a tap dancing FUCK about this quest! I joined this quest to get the chicks! Seriously! Would it have killed Tolkien to put some more girls in this story?! Oh, and let's not forget the fact that I AM A FREAKING KING who STILL isn't able to rule over Gondor." He sat down and pouted

"What about Arwen and Eowyn?" Sam asked.

Aragorn gave a disgusted look. "They don't count!" he spat, "Eowyn isn't even in the story until the end and I'm pretty sure Arwen's really a guy!"

"So why are you with her?"

Aragorn paused for a minute, trying to think of a witty comeback. He couldn't. "So...nice weather we're having..."

"Will you both just SHUT UP?!" Gandalf demanded, "In case you haven't noticed, we're STILL lost and now we're down one member of the fellowship!"

"It's just so HOPELESS..." Frodo wailed.

"It's okay Frodo," Pippin tried to encourage him, "We'll find a way to destroy the ring."

"I'm not talking about THAT," Frodo said, "I'm talking about MY LIFE. I'm short, hairy, and have unusually large feet! Not to mention the fact that I've been forced against my will to go to Mordor to destroy this stupid ring!" 

"No one forced you," Boromir reminded him, "You volunteered."

"SHUT UP, BOROMIR! I'm ending this NOW." Frodo stood up and walked over to the nearest tree. He then revealed the noose he fashioned out of his cloak. He pulled a small ladder out of nowhere and climbed up to the highest step. "I'm through with this! I can't take take it any-OWWWW!! What the hell?!" Now, Frodo's boxers were being pulled out of his trousers in an uncomfortable manner. "This isn't funny!"

"Duuuude..." Merry said, who had run out of Longbottom leaf and resorted to smoking any leaf he could find, "That's still not us..."

"WHAT?! What's going-" And Frodo disappeared, just as Legolas had.

"FINALLY." Boromir and the rest of the Fellowship cheered.

Going back to Target...

"Well, maybe we have to find the right pair." Michelle said. She and the rest of the SOLF member were sitting in large piles of boxers. "I mean, it can't just be any old pair."

"Well, hurry up!" Legolas barked from aisle 8, which just so happened to be the hair product aisle, "In case you didn't know, I'm on a VERY important mission!"

"He's a little pushy, isn't he?" Emily said as she sorted through some boxers.

"Leave him alone!" Diana said defensively, "He's under a lot of stress!" She continued looking through the boxers reluctantly, hoping she wouldn't find anything. She happened across a pair of Dashboard Confessional undawears still wrapped in their packaging. She opened them absentmindedly and reached inside...and shrieked. "There's something down there..."

"Let me see," Adrienne grabbed the package (tehe) and reached inside, only to discover that they were stuck. She pulled and tugged for a good five minutes when finally, they came free...along with some company...

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" shouted Frodo. Everyone, including Legolas who had left the Tresseme products to see what all the commotion was about, stared at the hobbit in disbelief. And then they all passed out.

The ugly disgusting Target employee had regained consciousness and took in the scene around him. "Who's gonna pay for all these boxers?"

A/N: What's going to happen now? Who will show up next? And who the crap was that greasy Target employee? AND WHY ARE ADRIENNE AND DIANA SUPREMELY AWESOME?!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in chapter 3!

AND REVIEW PLEASE!


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